Issue 16: Can She Cook?

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X3: The Last Straw

Well, X3 came out this week. I need to talk about it. But I don't want to spoil it for anyone who has yet to see it (I, of course, had to go see a midnight showing), which should be easy because I'll be too busy vomiting as I write this to type many spoilers.

So, yeah, I hated it. I don't consider myself too much of a purist, at least not to an nth degree, and rather enjoyed the first two movies despite some of their worse choices. This wasn't an X-Men movie. This was a Wolverine and Halle Berry movie. And the last two movies were Wolverine movies, albeit justifiable Wolverine stories. But there's a Wolverine spin-off movie coming too. I understand Wolverine brings in the $$$. But throughout the whole trilogy, it feels like good character development has been overlooked to make it all about Wolverine, specifically in the case of Cyclops. Cyclops is my favorite X-Man, so I'm biased, yes, but Cyclops is one of the original X-Men and a great leader, has survived a whole bunch of shit with his family and Jean and clones etc., and stays steadfast to Xavier's dream even when Professor X does a pretty crappy job himself. But in these movies, he's the guy that says, "Where's my bike?" and "Stay away from my girl." and is only there to make us think, "Wow, it's totally OK if Wolverine steals his chick and loves her more because what a lame-o." And how he was treated in this third installment was just sickening.

And all the new characters we were promised were used quite poorly. I think Colossus has one line. Of them all, I think only Kitty Pryde was used well, and Beast was awesome but they totally missed the opportunity to give him good characterization with his personal conflict with the cure. Professor X's role in the movie was interesting, and Patrick Stewart is awesome.

I could go on for pages and pages with specifics, but bottom line is that X3 is a bad movie. And i isn't just bad in the sense of not being true to the comic, butchering, if you will; bad in the sense of horrible character development and cinematography and missed opportunities for telling a good story, even if different from the one we know and love. I won't be going to see the 2 hours of the man, Wolverine is so badass, let's have him fight 500 people but filmed like an episode of Xena while (maybe) cool special effects and catch phrases are sprinkled in every 10 minutes amongst horrible acting (I'm looking at Halle Berry and Leech, specifically) and drawn out plot crap fest again. Not unless someone else pays for my ticket. In which case, I'll gladly watch it again, because I'm a whore like that.


I should probably mention that while pretty much everyone I've talked to about X3 who is also big into comcis has hated it, everyone I know that doesn't read comics loved it. So if you're one of our 2 readers that doesn't actually read comics (I'm looking at you, Mom and Dad), go see the movie and you'll probably enjoy it immensely.

Oh, did I mention that this week's strip is about Storm and Black Panther's wedding? It's cause they're both black. Hey, it happened in Earth X! Next up, Jubilee and Xorn! 'Cause they're Chinese!

X3: A Rebuttal

So I went into this movie with rock-bottom expectations (I'm looking at you Scott and Tim). Maybe that's the reason I found the movie to be actually pretty enjoyable. It was a bit scattered in the plot department, but from a pure action point of view, many of the scenes had a definite "wow!" factor. Just take it as a random collection of unrelated short films featuring X-Men characters. Really, all the "new" mutants in this movie have cameo roles, so don't expect a deep, personal examination of the psyche and childhood of Juggernaut to provide insight into his affinity for running into things. It's just great fun to see a grown man wearing a goofy helmet and smashing through walls for a scene or two. Sure, Archangel is only around for two scenes, but seriously, none of these characters are terribly deep. His schtick is that he's got neat wings and flies, and that's what they show. There's definitely some controversial plot points, especially if you have a hard-on for Cyclops (like Scott does), but I think by breaking away from comic canon they were able to give some surprises to readers of the comic franchise. So in conclusion: Gandalf + Powers of Magnetism = Badass.

FYI: I don't follow 616 X-Men all that carefully (sorry, 30+ years of backstory baggage is too much for me to catch up on), but I read Ultimate X-Men (through the good and bad). So in my book, Storm and Wolverine are a pair, Jean is alive, and Colossus is gay. And that's the way I like it.

X3: Butt-al

While it's not untrue that I have a hard-on for Cyclops (and look forward to seeing James Marsden in Superman Returns), you really need to quit fooling around and draw that topless Colossus, Mike. The one from the Ultimate version. The one that can't quit you. is a digital parody comic about Comic Book Characters. The original characters are owned by Marvel, DC and other respective copyright owners. PassFailStudios uses the names and images of these figures for the purposes of satire. The opinions and words expressed on this site should not be construed as text from Marvel or DC comics.